Tomorrow

Is another day.

Fucking Research

Fuck this fucking shit.
Fuck!!!!!!!!

May I be excused?

I'm at school. I've got to go to the bathroom.
I HATE going to the bathroom at school.
No, I am not one of those people that refuses to use public restrooms, and I don't have hang ups about using the toilet next to someone I don't know.

The problem is (and holding it for 3 hours is a problem) that when the wonderful people that built this building decided to install toilet tissue holders, they went either cheap on the front end or opted to follow the some super secret directive to go cheap on the back end. No pun intended.

When you try and get tissue from the holder, it comes off one flipping square at the time. And getting a whole square...a miracle. For a while I thought it was me that was having problems. A month or so ago, my colleague mentioned her own difficulties.


I wonder if the boys bathroom is the same. I bet it isn't. I asked the ones in my lab, but they didn't answer. Maybe they don't use tissue. I don't know. I don't really want to know.

What I really want to know though is...

Can anybody spare a square??????????

Balling

Cup said she believes I probably will be rich. That made me feel splendid.
She told me that she wished like hell I had won lotto yesterday. We laughed. She laughed harder when I told her that I actually thought that I would win it.

Tonights a good night.

Green Eyed monster

I am totally jealous....
I keep seeing previews for a show on WeTv called American Princess. Now here is something I didn't spill in my Things About me series:

I have wanted to be a princess for YEARS!
I'd even take fake princess if given the chance. Right now, I've decided to settle for one day being rich beyond measure to assauge my despair.

My Michael Vick Post

I hated to see this guy go down.

I don't watch football much anymore. Well sometimes (rarely) when a game is on, I tune in and leave the volume down a bit-a security blanket of sorts (i'll explain some other time).

In any case, I don't really know what team Vick played on. I don't know his stats. I don't know where he graduated college or how many oow kids he has (maybe he is actually married...and to a black woman). What I do know is that unlike the rest of america, or at least black america, I feel bad for the guy. Yes he is an adult and yes, dogfighting is mean. Of course he was a dumbass for having so many trifling people around him.

BUT

I feel bad for the guy. Because his dad is an asshole, because he has lost his job behind something really stupid and because it seems as if everyone with a little pigment in their skin seems to be enjoying his losses....

Otherwise

I don't really care about the dogs. Call me an a-hole I don't care. Maybe because I kill rodents left and right in the lab. Who knows? Who really cares? They were dogs, they lived and now the state is going to kill em while persecuting a man who was going to do the same thing.

What I really find most curious is the fact that all across the south, dogs get put down everyday with a 3006 or a 35mm or sometimes an axe and there is no uproar. They are quietly buried in backyards and fields across america for barking too much, for digging too much, for straying too far and wide. Is it the betting that did him in? or was it killing the dogs? If so, can we not kill dogs anymore?

***************
Last week, a rabid cat strayed into my brothers yard. He wanted to shoot it because he has a dog that it was dangerously close to...but didn't. He was afraid that if he didn't wait for the ASPCA to get there and take it away, he would go to jail and be prosecuted for animal cruelty.

Feeling good again

And glad for it. I was in lab yesterday and today and able to focus for the entire time I was there.

There is supposed to be a retreat next week. I wish red dot would be there. Think of it...

all red dot all day long. cool

I'm Back to

Square one with this thing.

The system that I'm under has made it increasingly difficult to manage things properly. I want to bring this up to the powers that be on campus, but don't really want to put myself on blast.

Not only does my school reduce (through no fault of their own) our fellowship monies in the summer by 1/3rd per pay check (a hefty sum i promise you),they put the psychiatrist on vacation until the fall. I found out today that he is accessible from the health services department as opposed to psychological services but to see him, one must pay a 117 dollar fee. This isn't really much, but when you reference the reduction in pay and couple that to the increase in rent that occurs each summer and add to it the monies required to buy prescription medications and you realize that a body (or mind) might be in trouble.

I woke up tonight and couldn't return to sleep. My thoughts led me to the ultimate hallmark sign of trouble...crying. There is always a reason. A reason that, until I'm struggling with this thing, seems quite easy to live with. A "non burden" shall we say. Tonight, the distance between my father and I is the feature presentation. Earlier, I drove to school then came home and went back to bed. I couldn't even make it to that side of town earlier in the week. Tonight marks the 3rd time this week that I've cried (once in public). The negative self talk reached its peak weeks ago (before the harry potter release)and has been sticking around to enjoy the festivities.

I only have until next week wednesday before I get to see the incredibly elusive doctor. When I do, I'm demanding an unlimited refills prescription. This is ridiculous.

I wonder whether I am going to ever be normal enough to attract the things I desire in life.

I'm okay

But I hurt a lot these days. Being on my period doens't help the problem at all. Its not too bad though. More like Nashville levels. My mom thinks that outward displays of industry will cause some positive result. I didn't even try to explain. It is the inward struggle that causes the lack of industry outward.

I can't wait for school to start back.

I took my braids out today (I've been working on them for 2 weeks actually and have only gotten a fourth of them out) and am amazed at the thickness of my hair.

I'm looking for A Miracle

I'm Looking for a miracle
I expect the impossible
I feel the intangible
I see the invisible

The Sky is the limit
To what I can have

Just believe and receive it
God will perfrom it today

I expect a miracle every day,
God will make a way out of no way

I'm so glad

That there are books to read
movies to watch
a cat that warms my feet
a blooming lemon tree
summer air to breath
cool mists from the ocean
sleek blades of grass to luxuriate in
and crunchy sand to walk on

Even though
I couldn't image my gel
I haven't collected any substantial data
I can't stop worrying
My hair isn't done
I feel black
and as ugly as sin
and dumber than

Tonight
right now in this moment
I'm so glad to be alive.

I grow WEARY

Wearier than a mfer.
"Regentrification" of Harlem

This is enough to make me not vote for Hillary. I get so sick of this kind of stuff, I just resign myself to not giving a darn about injustices perpetrated on their kind. Its a shameful confession....but an honest one.

Absentmindedness

I've noticed that whenever I leave the lab with home as my destination, I separate my housekey from the bunch on my ring. I get as far as actually moving the key to the keyhole on the labs' door before realizing my mistake and quietly chastising myself. I suppose that when I am ready to be home, my mind body is already thinking it is there.

Spinning Wheels

I saw Tweak today. He looks really good. It was SO nice to see and talk with him. I sort of miss that weird little dude. He was always nice to me.


I have been spinning my wheels this summer. I've gotten (staggeredly...i know it isn't a word) all the materials I need to be successful. My health is good. I just haven't gotten it together.

Not to say I haven't been working. Not necessarily hard. Steadily though.

I've just been failing. That sort of gets my goat.

A man after my own heart

He probably wanted help with his bags....

man smuggles monkey onto airplane

We have lab rats

Why not lab monkeys?


So, a guy on facebook joined some funny but nerdy science group. I read through all the jokes and laughed when I thought they were funny. One gave me pause however.

You know you've been in the lab too long when you think you could train a monkey to do 80% of your job.


I can be a little imaginative when I want to, and this simple statement had me wondering. Could I train a monkey to do my job???? I thought of the monkeys in the zoo, and their tendency to throw excrement at people. Then I thought about Bubbles and how he wore a diaper all the time. Who would change the diapers? What about when it wanted attention and started throwing tantrums. A lab monkey would definitely be more trouble than it was worth. I blew off that whole lab monkey idea...thinking...I really need to quit indulging in such nonsense and went to lab.

Later that day I struggled down the hall with 3 bottles of media, two plates of newly cultured cells, an ice bucket, and 3 tubes. While trying to open the door one handed without dropping anything, I wished heartily for a helper monkey.

Summer Vacation

The psychiatrist is on summer vacation.
For the summer.

The WHOLE summer.

I'm fucked

Somebody at Yale did a study investigating the impact of emotional displays by women in the workplace.

Unemotional women were assigned on average $55,384 compared to $32,902 for the angry ones. Male executive candidates were assigned more than trainees, regardless of anger, with an average $73,643.

Nuff said

Video on the Web

While I enjoy the ease of accessing my favorite videos on the web, and even though I enjoy seeing craziness on youtube....I must say that I absolutely LOATHE the fact that MOST news webpages have video links embedded in them.

It drives me absolutely bonkers!!!
They don't even offer options most of the time.
If I wanted to watch the damned news, I'd turn on the television. I turn to the web to filter out all of the nonsense I can't avoid on television like 50 minute commercials, commentary, biased bullspit, and teases.

The media wants to fail. Its a certainty. They try so hard not to get it right.

Pushing it

I just went by the lab. I had to go set the temperature on some equipment that would ruin a few samples had i not gone. On the return trip home, I stopped by Dunkin Donuts and found myself sitting behind a police car in the drive through. I was SORELY tempted to take my foot of the brake and slowwwly coast into his bumper. Not crash mind you, but gradually move forward until our cars touched..then slowly (knowing his brake would be on) push the gas so that I was pushing his bumper in. I could hear the crunch in my mind.

Anthony Michael Hall was cuter when he was too skinny to be alive and had a ginormous head.

I hate the new Viagra commercial.