Thursday, November 30, 2006

Semester close

The semester is coming to a close. As much as I want it to be over, I will hate to see it end.

My experiment went well yesterday. I'll be testing yet another antibody tomorrow. Of course, I won't get results until next week some time.

I can hardly believe it hasn't snowed yet this year. I wonder if this means we'll have an even warmer winter than we did last year.

Quite tired as I have not yet slept since yesterday before work for a couple of hours.

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Police Presence at FAMU homecoming vs FSU

I'm sooo glad this was said!!! Thank you to the author for bringing this to the fore...Naturally you have the good ol boys making ignorant comments..but they can't take away from the fact that the difference in treatment has finally been acknowledged.

FAMU Homecoming is not the enemy
Florida A&M University's weekend evokes racist reactions
Lauren Walleser



As a Florida State University senior, I have endured four years of my fellow students moaning and groaning about Florida A&M University's Homecoming. Some people make seemingly harmless complaints in passing about the mall being packed and the clubs being too crowded. Others stock up on canned goods, make plans to stay indoors with the blinds closed, or pack up and go out of town altogether.

Let me be the first to say it: I am not intimidated by FAMU Homecoming! In fact, I love it. I love that the other university in town gets to have the spotlight for a change. I love that for at least one weekend out of the school year, they get to take over Tallahassee so they can celebrate their school pride, because we all know FSU does it every football weekend and then some.

What I do not love about FAMU Homecoming is that practically every Tallahassee Police Department officer in town is summoned to block off Tennessee Street and stomp around in vests with one hand on their gun and the other on their baton. The street is so heavily concentrated with sirens someone could probably rob a bank on Appalachee Parkway and get across the Georgia state line before anyone noticed. I hate that they block off the whole campus and make it impossible to get home if you live in that direction, and why? For fear that some FAMUans are going to efface a statue of Bobby Bowden? I hate that they act like it is an invasion, when The Rattlers have just as much of a right to Tallahassee as any Seminole. But let's be honest about what the fear and the animosity is all about. It's not about a rivalry. We don't even play FAMU in football. It's about racism.

One year I watched as a group of officers patrolled the parking lot of Governor's Square Mall on horseback. After asking one officer a question about his horse, he responded with something like "I bet you feel a whole lot safer now that we're here, huh? We're going to shut this down before it even gets started." I guess he expected me to thank him, but I walked away in shock, wishing I'd had my recorder on me.

Disrespect has become institutionalized here. I am so comfortable in my little pocket of progressiveness and liberalism that I am sickened every time I am reminded what a closed-minded, flat out racist town Tallahassee can be. Even more upsetting is that I know its not just here, and that it is even worse in other places. Why do I feel the need to speak up about this? You could say 'I'm white. It doesn't affect me; it's only a traffic inconvenience.' But my mouth is open and I am not afraid to speak.

I know I can only be as sympathetic as any white girl who has studied race, class, gender and sexuality and has been discriminated against in at least one of those categories can be, but maybe to get past the divisions of race, we need to not be afraid to speak. I believe we have to support each other in every struggle, on all fronts, whether it be racism, sexism, ageism, homophobia, you name it. Because once you realize you deserve happiness, how can you deny it to anyone else?

The problem of racism in Tallahassee cannot be solved overnight, but I propose one solution. Student organizations at FSU should increase collaboration with students at FAMU. Invite them to our events and go out to theirs. Perhaps if the two student bodies saw more of each other and worked together to make the community a better place, it would be easier to see how each person deserves to be a part of it.



Edited to say: I did not write the above article. I republished it. So all of you numbnuts that are trying to poke holes in its lack of evidentary fact need to take a step back and reflect for a moment. This article was written by a white student at FSU and I for one was thrilled to see it. It told me that hey, there are people who do notice the difference in treatment between the two schools by TPD. It is a heartwarming testament to the humanity I failed to notice in white people prior to reading it.

I have long noticed that white people like to make excuses for the mistreatment of minority groups at the hands of the police (in general). This comes as a result of their ability to make excuses for the maltreatment of minorities in general.

I couldn't make heads nor tails of the last comment posted (the one by Anonymous (of course) at 5:26 pm). Not because it wasn't written well. Many such comments are hard to decipher for that reason alone. And truthfully, I didn't read it thoroughly after I saw that it was a defensive argument for what I believe is unfair and inhumane treatment of American citizens. What has me intrigued is the following:

FAMU Homecoming also brings criminals to TLH in droves

I could kick the ass of Anonymous until my foot bled and then continue kicking until it were a bloody stump.

Why is it that defenders of the GREAT WHITE WAY can not see that they are buying into bullshit? Don't think for a minute that black people are more prone to criminality that white people. Don't think for a minute that the crimes of black people are more egregious than those of white people. Rachel Hoffman was no better than a two-bit crack dealer in my opinion. How her parents and the white community can now consider her a martyr today I'll never know.

What I will be certain of as long as I live is that in this capitalist society we live in, Money -not race- is king. Please believe that jails are BIG BUSINESS. You anonymous, and the millions like you are at the precipice of equal treatment for all. After they have severely decimated our communities, yours are next. And, because you have so forcefully defended your views concerning the might of the police, no one is going to spare a poster or petition in your support.

Until that happens, I guess this type of rationale is the wave of post "civil rights act" future... who knows. All I know is that today, when the mayor of Berwyn Hills, MD got on tv with his crying wife, I smiled. Shit I laughed my ass off.

Tough Stuff

I toughed the day out. I trudged through class. By lab meeting, i started feeling normal. By the end of the day...well now..i feel okay. Hope it lasts. I used the focus technique to make it through.

Down Day

Today is a down day. Hope I shake it before its over. I've been on the verge of tears pretty much since 4:30am. No reason I hope.

I'm feeling kind of lost in this program and totally hating having to be here to do what I want to do.

The invisible girl.

Shay

Sometimes I wish I was a white boy. To move through earth with a sure knowledge, right or wrong, that it is his earth and he is right to be in it.

I love google.

Monday, November 27, 2006

BeBe Moore Campbell

Died today. She was only 56....I wonder how Maia is doing now.

Sunday, November 26, 2006

Russian State

The government is now in the business of making certain the Supreme Court is silenced also.

Fuck the POlice

This is another instance that lends fuel to my utter disgust and dislike for PoPo.

Police shoot at men over 40 times
There is always some reason that is offered up to make these kinds of actions "justifiable". I'm just waiting on "the man" to offer up lies and try to "help" me to see how hard the police have it in a world teeming with black men that do drugs, sell drugs, have no moral standards and are basically shiftless and trifling.

I think they are testing public sentiment with the following:
The undercover officers were inside the club to document illicit activity, Kelly said. With one more violation the club would be shut down, Kelly said.

He said the establishment has a "chronic history of narcotics, prostitution and weapons complaints."

Nothing justifies shooting an unarmed man...much less shooting him over 20 times. I contend that had they seen any reason to arrest these men, they should have done it at the time something illegal occured. Shooting them to death while they were on their way home was not an equivalent action. I'm only glad they killed one instead of three...maybe now the truth can come out.

I just wish Al Sharpton would sit down somewhere and let someone else lead the charge. I can't stand him either..

Sukari Desi-fied

Video of sukari with photos spliced into the beginning.


Photos and Video Courtesy of Pooh.

Saturday, November 25, 2006

France who?

This is baffling. How can France care NOW! after all of those people died, and the dust has settled? No one did anything during the slaughter...and they want to arrest people now? For possibly shooting down a plane? Misplaced priorities.

I suppose the only reason they care to arrest at all is because of the crew, but they have crapped where they eat...hands are dirty...all that.

Yeah...I really did

-----Original Message-----
From: malaikasplace@gmail.com [mailto:malaikasplace@gmail.com]
Sent: Wednesday, November 22, 2006 1:11 AM
To: Dale Morrow
Subject: EMAIL CLUB COMMENT: Comment Submitted Thru Web Page

PATRON NAME: Malaika
MESSAGE:

----- Message Part 0 -----
acceptable_content: 1



i only went to starbucks for chantico.
you don't have it anymore.
you suck.


REPLY
Malaika
Thanks for the feedback. We are currently looking to bring back a
chantico based product to enhance our hot chocolate category, so please
stay tuned. I am not sure if it will be released soon after holiday, but
that's what I'm hearing. Thanks again for the email and have a happy
holiday season!

dale morrow
district manager
Starbucks Coffee Company
mobile: 401-744-1808



Whatever...I felt like it.

Friday, November 24, 2006

Time to go

A woman is staying here at the hotel because her husband had a stroke. She wants to be in the area (she lives about 30 minutes away) so that she can be available should any emergency arise.

The shock of such things is more than I can absorb. I don't even know this man, but immediately, Gerald Levert came to mind. She told me that he is only 50yrs old...and Levert was 40. They have daughters in college. He had one daughter that made it to high school before he passed. They both were afflicted with their respective demons in their sleep. They don't seem to have lived full lives to me.

I know that my mom would say "Malaika, babies die every day" and I respect that also. There is something about an unfinished life that jolts one from the current course. It is disturbing to have ones mortality shown bare assed and ugly to them. It is also disturbing to know that you have no control over your stay here.

Froggy went a'courtin hypocrisy

I suppose if they had been tanned it might have been acceptable? People are such hypocrites.

Thursday, November 23, 2006

Teacher of the Year

And the Award goes to:

Bill Morgan

Lacking Material

I haven't had anything twirling inside my head lately but my research. Thats usually how I blog by the way. Something won't let me be, and having to purge it from my mind, I blog it. It works. I am writing plenty about my research project in Microsoft Word, Excel, and Microsoft outlook....no need to spread it too thin.

Here is a tidbit that I found quite interesting however

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/15769975/site/newsweek/?GT=8717

I didn't read it of course. I did scan the first few paragraphs to gauge the tone. I think the woman is quite a bit like Nancy Grace. Completely willing to let her own experiences and beliefs color(tinge, muddy) any subject they undertake. Bad business. Believe it or not, I have yet to formulate an opinion about OJ. I have a hard time condemning someone without irrefutable evidence (typically gathered by myself) thus, he was just a man with a question mark and two kids. When the book story broke, I was shocked at the reported text. Then, the publisher made her announcement. I wondered (honestly for the first time) if he really did do it...Thought that perhaps he was capitalizing on the death of his ex-wife to the detriment of his two youngest kids for sure. Now that I read this nonsense...I am back at square one. Question mark with two kids. She seems so shady.

What I've learned this week about myself:

I'd rather spend time with someone that I know is no good than someone I can't peg as being "real".

I totally understand what it means when people say that they can trust x,y, or z to be a liar, thief, cheat....at least you know where that person is coming from and you don't have to wonder where they stand. Forced to make the choice between what appears to be a character of ill repute and someone who appears to be decent but questionable, I choose the thief everytime. I know how to say "clap".

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Dang

I have just been looking at airline tickets to go home for Christmas. I really think I will have to drive the coast again. I sort of don't even feel like that again this year. I wish to god my parents had stayed married sometimes. Its such a pain in my ASS to have to accomodate them.

Archives

I've been reading through my archives. I got issues yo. I was all depressing last year.

I wonder what the heck my kids will think of my blog.

More News Bites

Kramer?

The world (america okay?) is aflutter because Michael Richards aka Cosmo Kramer made some racist comments at a nightclub recently. The following is an article written regarding his "shameful apology" for the remarks made to America.

In one of the most awkward moments in the history of late night television, a shamed Michael Richards appeared on the Late Show with David Letterman to apologize for his racist, hate-fueled rant. It wasn't meant to be funny, but the audience laughed anyway.

Richards agreed to appear on the show, even after Letterman took a comedic jab at "the guy who played Kramer" on the Top Ten list, at the request of his good friend and former co-star Jerry Seinfeld. Jerry was there to promote "Seinfeld" Season 7 on DVD.

As Richards began explaining the "nasty things" said about "Afro-Americans," the audience couldn't help but chuckle. Seinfeld, immediately scolded the crowd, saying "stop laughing, it ain't funny." But the crowd couldn't help themselves.

The confused fans continued to chuckle, and Richards seemingly blamed Letterman for the awkwardness. "I've already heard you make some jokes about it and that's OK, but I'm really busted up about it."

Richards admitted that he may have acted without thinking. "I'm hearing your audience laugh ... and I'm not even sure that this is where I should be addressing the situation."


Naturally, I am going to voice my opinion on the matter though by now you should already knowwwww how I feel.

Remember Why? My Mel Gibson Rant? Nothing has changed. If anything, my beliefs were only confirmed. I feel especially strongly that most people have racial issues still after hearing the audience laughing. I didn't really get that. But, what is on the inside always comes out. I'm just glad I know and thank him for telling me.

Again, I don't know Michael (I keep having to look up his last name) Richards. But I love Seinfeld...the show...and I will keep watching er'y day. Why? Because, Kramer is not Michael. Kramer is an imaginary figure that cracks me up on the regular.

Do understand that I wouldn't keep this man around me if he were just a joeshmo and in my actual orbit. How could I. But since he isn't. Damn him.


OJ. Orenthal James. Juice.
Man..sit down somewhere and shut up. How do you think that you made your kids feel with that mess? Your mommy would be ashamed of you man...and you should be ashamed of yourself.

Monday, November 20, 2006

U.S. is most unfriendly country to visitors:

U.S. is most unfriendly country to visitors: survey
WASHINGTON (Reuters) - Rude immigration officials and long delays in processing visas have turned the United States into the world's most unfriendly country for international travelers, according to a global survey released on Monday.

The survey showed that the United States was ranked "the worst" in terms of visas and immigration procedures by twice the percentage of travelers as the next destination regarded as unfriendly -- the Middle East and the Asian subcontinent.

The survey, of 2,011 international travelers in 16 countries, was conducted by the polling firm RT Strategies for the Discover America Partnership, a business-backed group launched in September to promote travel to the United States and improve the country's image abroad.

More than half of the travelers surveyed said U.S. immigration officials were rude and two-thirds said they feared they would be detained on arriving in the United States for a simple mistake in their paper work or for saying the wrong thing to an immigration official.



"The entry process has created a climate of fear and frustration that is keeping foreign visitors away," said Geoff Freeman, executive director of the Discover America Partnership. "The survey shows there is more fear of our immigration officials than of terrorism or crime."


Perhaps it is only me. Perhaps I am interpreting the conclusions of the survey incorrectly....but please tell me....


Who the hell was surveyed?
Who the hell is really rushing to the middle east? and most importantly
Who cares?


Were Americans also polled? 2011 from 16 countries (i really want to know which and the breakdown in numbers) seems like an incredibly small number of people to survey. Consumer reports just surveyed millions of customers in America for their study on safety and reported the results compiled from 1.3 million people. Surely they could have done better than this. Further, were all of these people trying to enter as immigrants, or were they truly visiting? Have these same people also tried to enter other countries as well so as to have something to compare their experiences to? Were these responses founded in fact, or simply fears and rumours as the statement "two-thirds said they feared they would be detained on arriving in the United States for a simple mistake in their paper work or for saying the wrong thing to an immigration official" seems to suggest. Had they been turned away before? Has their country been bombed by foreigners, or are they from bomber countries?

My ire is raised. There is no other subject that can rile me quite as much, except maybe prejudice. This is such an inflammatory article.

I am in support of legal immigration and staunchly against the presence of illegal immigrants. America is totally twisted. I believe that we should adopt the policies of foreign countries with respect to our immigration laws. Moreover, the only reason immigration is in such quandary because the Powers that Be want to keep minorities especially Blacks in this country in a perpetual state of poverty. There is no other country in the world that behaves the way that we do. Of course, should minorities get off their duffs, there would be no concern of competition.

Sunday, November 19, 2006

Daze off

I love days off from work. Unfortunately, I slept most of the day yesterday...actually all of it...and missed the concert last night. I also missed the bank. Eww..

My concerns about my little sister proved founded in reality. She called me yesterday evening as I was preparing my slides for lab meeting (I volunteered to present again!!! I won't understand the ins and outs otherwise). Since her minutes are usually sparse, I asked if she wanted to accompany me to the grocers. She said sure, so I took her along with a little friend of hers.

The first thing I asked her about was school...I've been concerned that she wasn't doing well. She told me that her report card was okay. It wasn't bad, but it was good either. When I prodded her further, I learned that apparently "not bad" consists of two E's and an F. I told her that something would have to give. Its hard for me to motivate her in this area. I think I'll bring her along to the high school when I do the tutoring sessions for the science and math club. I can't see how I could squeeze any extra time in to spend with her. I cannot afford any other days to sacrifice from my own studies or work. I don't need to tutor her because it is quite apparent that she is very intelligent. She told me that they tested her at school because of her performance and she received a high mark. She simply doesn't do her homework, nor does she pick up the first book to pretend to. Her teachers say that she is respectful and intelligent, but lazy. I think she likes to socialize too much... She spends far too much time in the streets afterschool with her friends that do equally poorly in their studies. I think just two days a week away from her block after school would help tremendously. Maybe a little success and positive feedback would help to motivate her.


I dropped off rolls of film at the processors last night. 14 rolls will be about 140 dollars to pick up. I need a digital camera pronto. I think I'm paying more for film than I would be if I just went ahead and sprung for the thing.

Saturday, November 18, 2006

Hmmm

How do you argue with a father that tells you not to charge your credit cards when you want to leave the country, call him and he'll pay for it instead. Don't worry about saving for lasik, I'll pay for that. Hmmm. Should I even keep trying to cut this cord?

Does this mean I'm going back to Japan this summer?

Sometimes I feel sorry for the man that might marry me.

Sometimes

So I went to a pre Thanksgiving dinner on campus last night. The food was so so, but it was nice to meet some people and hear literary minds discuss their work and views. Held in the international house, I sat with a Ugandan, a South African, an Italian, a Puerto Rican, and Jet Li who is an alien sent to earth by way of Trinidad. Interesting now that I think of it. I almost left at first. I got a good look at the food and was like...not for my ten bucks. I miss home food sometimes. I dunno why though considering I can cook every bit as well as my elders. Lazy...I swear.

I've gotten paid tonight. I am somewhat torn between going to a concert in New Hampshire and staying home to write, clean, and do laundry. If I can get all of my cleaning done by 2pm, I will go. Mind you I'm currently on duty and will probably crash once I get home. It is very hard for me to consider spending money on pleasures when I have bills outstanding. It is much much harder for me to leave a dirty house when I drive 30 minutes outside of its radius. We'll see.

I'm not going home for thanksgiving. I don't really want to. Too much stuff to do.

I am looking forward to the first snowstorm of the season although I'm still very much enjoying the fall this year. I don't recall enjoying the fall weather as much last year as I have this year. Of course, I didn't enjoy much last year except a good pillow. (oooo prince's baby baby baby is on launchcast right now. long time)

I might drop sukari into the snow to see how she takes it. Of course, since her rescue from the bushes and entry into my home, she hasn't seen the light of day... Well that isn't quite true. I took her to see my little sister before she became too big...she crawled up into the center console of my car and would not come out when I stopped at the 7-11 for Sprite. I had to take the panel apart and pull her out feet first. I suppose, based on her actions that day, I can assume that she won't take it well. I'm still going to do it though. I'm also going to give her a bath tomorrow. It has been three weeks already, and contrary to her beliefs, tongue just doesn't cut it.

Thursday, November 16, 2006

Testing

1, 2....

and thats probably exactly what I scored on that test this morning. I hate physiology. I guess I don't hate it so much as I just don't really know it...kind of like math. We get a drop exam though, and I'm sure that one is a hot potato.

Back at the lab thing again. I really wish I knew how the heck to manage my time better. I do 1 single solitary thing at the time. I've decided to start writing my proposal. Think it will help with my organization in the lab. Not so much disorganized, just doing a lot of pilot study thinking without really knowing what is out there already. Not cool.

Sukari thinks she is hot shit because she can now puff her tail up like a real cat. Its pretty funny. She still can't do the puffy body thing...

My house is a total wreck. Not really, but I still need to do my laundry so I feel dirty. I should take out the garbage also.

I've got 12 rolls of film to develop...

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

See!

My dad wants me to send him a chart with my bills and expenditures for the month to him. That is why I hate taking money from him. It opens a door that I like to keep shut. I sent it to him, but I didn't like it.

Its funny, because I don't mind sharing my financial life with my girlfriends and Jaggernaut, but not him. That is what he said too. I just don't want to hear the drama.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Implosion

I'm studying (thankfully) and watching Oprah. Today's show is about a man that killed his twin daughters while in the throes of depression. It frightened me. The man said that he never thought he would do anything because he'd never done anything before though he harbored the thoughts. That is what frightened me.

He never told his therapist his deepest darkest thoughts. I never did either. He was a punk. I don't think the really understood what was happening. It all seemed like such a disingenuous endeavor. Me and him and therapy. More importantly, words seem to fall flat when you tell people how you feel...what you are thinking.

Most people, except Jaggernaut, just brush things off. I guess it is because he has what he calls "perspective". I'm not certain. The brush off is incredibly disturbing. Imagine telling someone that you saw an axe murderer cut your mother up and the person telling you..."oh it was just a scratch." Its disconcerting. Worse than the brush off, almost, is the person telling you how you really feel. As if you didn't know already.

I found it interesting that the gentleman on the show had normal conversations with people shortly before committing the murders. Most of my friends that talked me through the spring semester thought that I was just fine. I can't say that I wanted it that way. I just didn't want it any other way if that makes sense.

I have to say that I found Oprah to be completely out of touch as well. I think she tried to understand, but she simply can't think any other way than normal. I've found that in life, it is hard to understand a thing unless you have actually gone through it yourself. I can't blame her....and I wouldn't want her to understand.

Monday, November 13, 2006

Levert, pumpkin, good day

I'm still finding it hard to believe Gerald died. They have his music featured on the R&B station on television. I turned when Mr. Too Damned Good came on. Really hard. I will so miss the banter between he and J. Anthony Brown on the Tom Joyner Morning show. They would have me rolling. Apparently, many other people are trying to cope also...I've been swamped with a barrage of hits based on google search terms relating to him and especially his daughter Carlysia who was featured on "My Super Sweet Sixteen" last year. Terrific show, beautiful girl. I hope they are all okay. I wonder if she is still going to drop her album.

My pumpkin is still solid. I guess its the cool weather.

I am totally into night photography now. I took about 5 shots on campus tonight on my way from class so that I could see whether they turn out okay before I waste a ton of film on them. I also took a couple of fall shots.

Today was a good day. I was engaged, and performed my assignments. This white kid from my class that I never gave a nickname spoke to me today. That was pretty cool. I guess time will take care of some things. I've decided to call the Jewish guy Kyle...southpark people know why. I think it fits. He's an okay person. I did call the psych though and tell him I've been out of meds and asked him to call the script in to school.

Spoke with my advisor again today. Man have I got a load of work to do.

I'm Thrilled

I've seen little tabs on my webpages saying that there was going to be a King monument erected. I didn't click on any of them because I've seen King this and that go up everywhere as I grew up in Montgomery.

I had no idea that it was being placed on the national mall!!!

I'm filled with joy at the news.

Sunday, November 12, 2006

Relapse

Two months
thats all it takes
Two months

and then

theparanoiaandwonderingandwishingandthinkingandthe
endless
streamofquestionsandnegativeselftalk

The thinking is the worst if not the wondering
They both are fueled by the self talk

Youarenevergoingtomakeityouarenevergoingtohaveyouareugly
andfatandstupidanddeserveeveryunkindthingperpetrated
againstyouyouwillneverbelovedbecauseyouareunlovelyyouyou
you
you
you

aint

shit

andyouneverwillbe

thatswhyyourownmotherandfather

who could want you or to be your friend when you are the way you are
but what way am i

i wonder

Wondering is more tolerable
It leaves room for a positive outcome

Wondering why mostly
Whycantibetoowhyamiwhydotheyandwhydotheynot
whydidshedothattomewhydidhewhywontthey
fuckingatleastacknowledgethatiliveandbreath

And sometimes wondering when
Whenwilliwhencaniwhenwillthey

or

Wondering if i will ever
Beincluded
Beapart
Beafriend
Beontheinside
Bevalued
be normal

In the background is another more sinister chorus of thought
Thoughtsofropesthoughtsofpillsthoughtsofjustlyingdownand
nevergettingupagain
thoughtsofhidingforeverthoughtsofdrivingfarfarawayandthoughtsof
justgivingup

because

youwillneveranyway
whydoyoutrysohard

I'm still being productive
I'm still bathing and my hair is still okay
I'm still getting up everyday
I'm still smiling
I can still see the good things the positive strides
and I have only cried once
today
Maybe it's being overtired
Maybe it's working so hard
Maybe it's because i'm doing to much
Maybe it's because i'm not eating well
Maybe it's because my schedule is too hectic
Maybe it's Thanksgiving
Maybe it's Christmas
Maybe it's lonliness
It could be all of these things

But I know what comes next
theisolationhasalreadybegunalthoughiwonderifitisntjustifiedbecause
ithinksohard
and i'm afraid
because the pain has already started

and
Im
praying
that
I
can
stop
the
madness
before
it
gets
too
bad

because all i can do is sit and feel pain run me through
today

and

because whether those things are the triggers or the symptoms the or just something else which is completely justified altogether

Deep down I know that it could also be
and probably is
relapse

Funny mess

Well I laughed. Its retarded

Saturday, November 11, 2006

Bigoty Bogaty Boo

I've only got 20 minutes left on my shift. My body has pretty much adjusted to the craziness I've been subjecting it to. There isn't much time for me to read anything of consequence and commit it to memory during this portion of the morning, so I have been browsing photos and entertainment sites. No one has brought the snoop out in me today.

My mind wandered while gazing at photos, and became trapped in a state of perpetual irritation. I hate when that happens. I get irritated based on thoughts of things past. The particular comments that have me riled this a.m. occurred within the last week.

Irritating occurrence #1.

I was asked by one immigrant, who will remain unnamed because he is totally not significant, a series of questions that were quite bigoted in nature.

"So, what did you score on the GRE?"
"What did you get on your SATs and ACTs?"

Mind you I'm playing scrabble while talking to this fool and half paying attention.

My response to both seemingly stupid questions (seeing as how I am long past the point of giving a durn about the SATs or ACTs, and frankly the GREs as well. and am very well known to be a proponent of the "What I eat won't make you shit" school of philosophy) was I dunno. Cause really, I don't know...and can't think of any reason to keep such stupid info on the tip of my brain. I'd have to look that stuff up.

Did you have high scores, he asks...completely unsatisfied with my responses and more, my attitude when delivering them....i gave less than a damn.

"I guess..what difference is it?" I say, thinking and really it isn't your bus

"Well then...(not Well can you help me, or you must have, or anything more decently phrased)...how did you get into Brown?"

At this point I'm thinking...mfer I wish you would...he didn't, so I just said, "by being smart"

He then made some comment about affirmative action. Not direct, just insinuating it...I cut him down like paul bunyan did trees.

Why the hell do immigrants feel they have the right to feel superior to black people? Or even feel that they have divine right to demote the negro station verbally or otherwise?

I know for a fact that had it not been for the fact that my people lay down and died in the streets not ONE immigrant of a hue darker than white would be here in this country feeling big and bad enough to make shitty comments about black people. Hell they had concentration camps for "white" asians not 50 years ago. Trust and believe no one thinks you are special. It really grates my nerves...especially when they are so CERTAIN about the things they say. As if they KNOW that it is the truth..when none of them bother to step outside of their own circle of immigrant friends long enough to witness the reality of the matter. In the final analysis, I think...this is MY country you're in. Not the white mans...mine. Hell were it not for me and my voting power, you would not be sitting in your position of priviledge. Please don't piss me off anymore this year.

Second occurrence:
Talking to the new guy. He says something about being Jewish and Russian. I state an opinion, then retract it verbally by saying...you know, I don't appreciate it when people from other countries or backgrounds make statements about black people based on something that they read in books, so I won't do it to you. He asks me to explain how people offend me in that way. I explain that in my experience people often make comments about how "black people are" or "how they feel" or "how they (insert any verb you choose here) based on what they read in books or worse yet, based on the only black person that they met and halfway know... 99% of it is so offensive to me that I just never know what to say.... He asked...books like Toni Morrison and stuff?

I looked at him crazy. I am NOT a Toni Morrison fan...I don't know how she pulled The Bluest Eye off. He tells me that he believes the only reason that she is famous is because she is black. I wanted so desperately to tear him a new one. I did tell him how ignorant he sounded though and that I was offended. I explained that although I don't care for her work, I don't equate my dislike for her incompetence...I just can't appreciate it. I can't appreciate Picasso either. His work looks like something the Copy Cat would paint...but he is held in high esteem. He looked surprised when I told him that. Surely everyone loves Picasso. What a jackass. He said that his dad loves Picasso but made no claims about it. I said exactly. Just because you don't appreciate something doesn't mean that it doesn't have merit. It means that you don't or can't appreciate it. I told him that I just can't see the beauty that someone else sees when looking at it, and I can't see it in Toni's work either. He didn't refute my statement. And the convo took another turn...towards reading material and who we mutually thought of as talented.



I have said it before, and I'll say it again...I get really tired of prejudice. I don't think I really ever had to deal with it as much as I do here at this University. It is hard to believe that people here can be so ignorant with all of the education that is supposed to be flowing forth. One of the girls in my lab and I talked freely on the subject not too long ago. We're both from the south, and she asked me a few months ago whether it was also my experience that people here seem to be more prejudiced than home. I told her yeah I did. We sat and mused that fact and tried to answer that would make this the reality we're living but came to no conclusions on the matter. All I have to say is I'm pretty durn sick and tired of the whole ball of wax.

Friday, November 10, 2006

Lord have mercy

R&B Singer Gerald Levert Dies of Heart Attack


FRIDAY NOVEMBER 10, 2006 05:00PM EST

-


By Shia Kapos and Stephen M. Silverman

Photo by: John Saint-Hilaire / WENN / Newscom

R&B singer Gerald Levert died of an apparent heart attack on Friday, PEOPLE has confirmed. He was 40.

"We are devastated. Ours was more than a working relationship," Lisa Cohen, vice president of Associated Booking Corp. (whose founder, Oscar Cohen, has managed the R&B crooner and his father for 25 years), tells PEOPLE. "The Leverts are family to us. We knew him when he was a kid."

The son of Eddie Levert, the lead singer of the 1970s soul group The O'Jays, Gerald sang in the R&B trio LeVert, along with brother Sean Levert, and Marc Gordon. During the 1980s and early 1990s, their hits were "Pop, Pop, Pop, Pop (Goes My Mind)," "Casanova" and "ABC-123."

Gerald Levert's album's also included Father & Son, which he recorded in 1995 with Eddie Levert.

Levert also teamed up with other R&B stars Keith Sweat and Johnny Gill for the group LSG, whose 1997 debut album Levert.Sweat.Gill went platinum. The trio also released a 2003 follow-up album, LSG2.

According to the Web site for LeVert's booking agent, Richard De La Font, Gerald began singing as a young child and was heavily influenced by his father, as well as by James Brown and Marvin Gaye.

Watching the older singers live onstage, Gerald is quoted as saying, "I knew that singing and performing was what I wanted to do. My dad tried to talk me out of it, but it was no use, my mind was made up."

In 1986, his group signed with Atlantic Records, a collaboration that resulted in numerous No. 1 singles, six gold albums, two Soul Train Music awards and a Grammy nomination. In 1991, with the blessing of the others in his trio, Gerald released his first solo album, Private Line.

When his sixth solo album, The G Spot, was released in 2002, PEOPLE said in its review: "Levert harks back to the soulful Sound of Philadelphia that his father, founding O'Jays member Eddie Levert, helped popularize in the '70s. … But it's emotive ballads like 'Closure' – on which the normally gruff-voiced Levert shows off his silky upper register – that really hit the spot."

Last year, according to IMDB.com, Levert's daughter, Carlysia, was featured on an episode of MTV's My Super Sweet 16.

Thursday, November 09, 2006

Photography

I am completely jealous of anyone that can take high quality photos. I guess it wouldn't be a hobby if I could do it without trying too hard though.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

follow up

i'm home
in my warm bed
under my warm covers
with the lights turned off
and my warm little kitten
is in the closet doing god knows what and making an unbelievable amount of noise while doing it how can something so small be so darned loud while playing?

oh well...i'm sure she'll join me after some time.

Its 4:23am

And I am sleepy as all heck. I could be studying physiology, but all I can think of is my big bed with my warm sheets and blankets, my warm little kitten, and the light switch on the lamp by the bed.

two and one half more hours. 2 and 1/2 more hours. God. Fat check girl...fat check. This is what comes of not being disciplined.

It will probably take me a few more days to get used to this schedule. Thing is, I don't really HAVE a schedule per se. For now, I'm just winging it. Thankfully tomorrow...no, today....I can work from home. Something I fully plan to take advantage of. Tomorrow..no, today, I do have swahili to attend. I should have totally recovered by then.

I have resorted to drinking something that I had quite given up...Pepsi cola. I don't ingest caffeine anymore...that is I didn't until just now. It was free, and it is a drug, and I am awake so whatever you know...

I've spent the better part of last hour stalking people online. I find such pleasure in that madness..being nosy as hell. It is pretty cool to see what other people are into, how they spend their spare time...what their politics are..what they think is cool. I get to BE the fly on the wall and if they know about it...funny thing is..I don't really care.

I look at reality and online personas as two separate entities. The people I stalk online (notice the plurality there) are the very same people I see everyday, but I keep their online activities in a neat little box marked "for entertainment purposes only".

Once when I was about 12, my younger brother called me into the room he shared with my older brother. Moving the dresser slightly from the wall he asked me to look at what he found. I looked and saw wall. He told me to look again...closer. Ooohh. My older brother had been writing girls names and phone numbers on the wall in tiny tiny print. He thought he was slick. Hehe. Bex (my younger brother) asked what we should do with the info. I couldn't blame him for wanting to capitalize. Our elder brother was the neighborhood bully. We were so not immune to his lashing out. I told him nothing...push it back...and leave it. It was his and I respected that.

Ah...I did mention to one of my classmates yesterday that I looked at her webpage and noticed she was a sportshead. She was actually pleased that I took the time to look...or seemed to be. Other than that, my browsing is pretty much in the vault.

Second cup of pepsi down the drain, and I feel now quite lively. I wonder how long this post is going to be? I mean, human physio is still sitting on the edge of the desk, but what is my motivation? Only 2 more hours to go yet.

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Finito

I finished my lab meeting. That is, I presented my research in lab meeting for the first time today. My presentation could use work (as usual), and there is soooo much I still need to read and understand, however my advisor said I did a good job and I'm satisfied with that.

Translation=I am not going to hurl my body off of the roof of my house.

Normally I wouldn't be, satisfied that is, for I have issues (that have been clearly documented and defined here). I'd be reorganizing my slides at this very moment while looking for yet MORE articles to not understand. Two incidences changed that for me...

1. When I met with him to show him my slides..to know whether I should include anything not already in my presentation..I asked a question based on some new to me/old to everyone else information he gave me. He got really excited about the question, and I knew that I was thinking in a way that made him happy. I was asking the
right
questions. It felt good, but I still had to try and figure out what the heck he was talking about.

2. During my prep for the presentation, I finally read some data that has been thrust at me repeatedly and should have looked at before. It made me wonder, and I suppose I looked at the data in a way my advisor hadn't before. I presented my thoughts (which I totally keep to myself most of the time...don't want to look stupid too much of the time) because I wanted feedback on a few of my ideas today, and low and behold...he was impressed with my "different" approach to old data. He seemed impressed (or maybe just happy that I was thinking at all and he hadn't got a dud student) though it was a small observation on my part. That felt good then also.

One other researcher in my department said that she was impressed with the way that I think about research...She said a lot of students at my level can't, and really never actually "get it" by graduation either. I NEVER feel as if I am up to par with my work or thoughts. The students in my neuro classes made me feel like a complete idiot last year. Being a scientist is like being a leper in a leper colony. It isn't a condition that I suffer from alone so I don't mind. Maybe she was blowing smoke up my behind, but I was a bit surprised and pleased then also.

What feels even better is being able to study a system that is soooooooo awesome with seemingly little competition. If I am successful, and make some basic strides, I could MAKE my career. When I am lounging, I give myself the freedom to indulge in these fantasies. Fortunately, I don't have the time to dream pipe dreams these days. It isn't good to get the swole head when you haven't accomplished squat.


My schedule is brutal these days. I was soooo tired after work this morning...I came home for an hour of sleep, then beat it to campus for class and my presentation. I am getting quite a bit of studying done though so that is positive.

Monday, November 06, 2006

Shall we Begin?

No life is perfect, though it may seem to be. Secrets and discontent lie hidden beneath the smoothest surface. In this as in so many things, my life was no exception- Separate Lies

We must begin our story, sad to say, with an empty chair. If it were not empty, we would not have a story. But it is, and we do, and it is time to tell it. -Nanny McPhee

The beginning of a story is the most important part. It either holds you and draws you close, or turns you cold in an instant.

Sunday, November 05, 2006

Linguistics

Your Linguistic Profile:
45% General American English
25% Yankee
20% Dixie
5% Upper Midwestern
0% Midwestern


I laughed aloud at number 15.

"Ya'll":
Just rolls off your tongue
Is not something you say

I am such a ya'll user. I'm sure that got me most of the southern points.

Fall

Another season has decorated the trees around campus in its design.

I proctored an exam this morning that was held in one of the buldings on the main green. The exam lasted 5 hours. I usually keep work in my purse to go over when I am somewhere that I can squeeze in a bit of extra reading. This work has replaced the pleasure reading novels that I used to keep in my purse. These days, it is my swahili text, a small book on Constructing Syllabi, and a journal article or two. Today, this habit came in handy.





While reading one of the journal articles this morning, my eyes kept shifting to the fall display on the college green. My mind would wander...then become trapped in the layers of yellows, greens, and orange. New England is quite lovely in Fall. I am looking forward to exploring the rest of it.

Friday, November 03, 2006

Literary Events

I have just learned that there will be several authors coming to my school this month. Among them is Salmon Rushdie. I'm interested to know what he has to say.
I never did read the Satanic Verses. I don't darnit have time before his visit either.

I'm not certain I will beat it out to listen to Orhan Pamuk...I might, but I'm not a politically minded person. Struggles, no, the struggles of politcal groups elude me. I fully support the struggles of groups of people striving for a better life.

Shahrnush Parsipur is also visiting. I would like to hear her stories. The descriptions seem more humanly based. Shahryar Mandanipour's description is similiar to hers. I will try and see him also. I have an exam somewhere around there, so I'm not certain if I'll be able to catch any of these people. This is what I'm talking about...my personal interests.

Anyway...I can't help but wonder whether the university will house them or front the money to have them stay in a hotel. I would hate to fly all the way from Turkey and Iran to stay on campus. Who knows. Maybe they'd like it.

Thursday, November 02, 2006

Female orgasms

How about my school is hosting a female orgasm workshop.
They are asking 8 dollars per person to attend.
Perhaps the speaker isn't very helpful.
8 dollars seems a pittance for something so valuable

I seriously can not believe they are holding such a workshop...in public..at school!
I wonder if people are going to introduce themselves when the meeting commences.
I can't say the words for reproductive organs aloud to people I know let alone a group of strangers.

I envision the converse of every person we might think of as being interested attending......specifically a large group of women with hippie skirts and sandals (brown) with white socks. you know the kind...those that don't wear makeup, and don't have a lick of color...the kind that will say the word "vagina" in mixed company unabashedly...as if they were talking about a gingerbread cookie recipe.
The kind that worships mother earth and shops only for organic foods. Weirdos.

I'd love to be the fly on that wall.

and then there was one


Yesterday

Today

Tomorrow

I'm changing again
For the better naturally
naturally
I feel quite safe
Quite content

Back inside me
Not weird this time
But home
I am Queen

Emma

Feeding my Jane Austen addiction again this morn.

A new tech has joined the lab. I'm quite excited as I now have someone that can help me with my project. I was somewhat disgruntled prior to meeting with him yesterday. It took all of 3 minutes for him to explain the kink in my method and set me to rights. I'm enthused.

The program I've joined tutuoring children in the public schools seems the stellar project for now. My new job is full time, and pays exceedingly well. I'm uncertain how I am going to manage my time, but I am sure I will work things out. As long as I can indulge in my own pleasures, I will remain happy no matter how hectic things become.

I wonder how willing the manager will be to allow me a visit home this Christmas. I will be leaving no matter, so he should be compliant for his own good.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Pipes

The pipe organ concert at midnight was fantastic. We sat around in the dark on pillows and blankets listening to scary music. The organist played for an hour, which was sufficient. He said that there were over 3000 pipes on the organ. I doubt my camera performed as I would have liked it to because we were in the dark as I said. Still, it was a spectacular evening.