Thursday, April 17, 2014

Recurring themes

I really need to do better about posting. I don't usually post because my life is so insular at this point that I'm afraid every post I upload would be much like I anticipate this one is going to be....rife with melancholy...... Generally I'm pretty even keel most days. Most as in 90% of my days.

I spent the majority of my time (post dissertation submission) applying to postdocs. I also spent a significant time investigating alternative careers and talking to people in the one I've chosen to pursue in future (science policy), writing proposals for work that I'd like to do if I have the chance to proceed at the bench, doing things that will help strengthen my weaknesses (eg. taking an online science writing course...super helpful, reading background material in my field, finding out which fellowships exist for postdocs and beginning the applications for those, and mentoring myself re:science careers.

I was asked on 2 interviews in December, and went on both in February. I received offers from both labs. The lab that I thought I didn't have a hope in hell of being granted a position in actually asked me to join. It is the most amazing opportunity ever...I fit in that lab SO WELL!!! they seem to really like me, the PI totally respects me and the work I did as a grad student and I can't believe that I'm about to work there. It was difficult because I accepted knowing that the lab hasn't got money to pay me right now. (the other one did and would have been a REALLY good choice for me as well). We are currently applying for a supplement on his grant and I'm waiting to see what happens. I talked to my former PI, and he said he was "Very Pleased" with things and was of the mind that things would work out in terms of funding with the lab I chose. New PI concerns me, because I haven't heard from him since I sent him biosketch and candidates statement (3 wks ago)..but I try not to think about it too much.

I've been reading his grants (he sent both to me) and the background materials for his lab...but I stopped to listen to the Divergent book series...not very good.

I'm not doing much else. I may sound busy, but I'm not very. I'm looking forward to my next step. And to a new start. My health is better than I could ever have dreamed even 6 months ago. I can honestly say I'm fully restored physically. I still have a few concerns re: working...I'm not being taxed right now, and wonder if things will change when I am. But I try not to focus on that right now.

I'm visiting my father right now. I haven't got much of a life friends, no outlet, no means to do anything with. You can imagine that its working on me. Don't do much photography. Super uninspired. Just planning my new life...looking for things to do in the new area.

 My birthday was yesterday. Birthdays and Christmases are the worst for me. They sort of accentuate whatever state my life is in that year. In lonely years, they highlight it. That isn't a truly strong enough descriptor for what is happening to me right now. I am INCREDIBLY lonely.  INCREDIBLY. Its truly painful how lonely I am. I don't really know how to change this for myself.  But I want to. My mom called me, and my younger brother. My friend from PVD called as well. I got a lot of fb posts from ppl and I was grateful for those remembrances. I would really like to have someone in my life that wants to show me they care in the flesh. Take me out. Buy me a flower. My mom always does something. She sent me a card. I was so happy. I wish my dad had at least said something to me about it. They left early in the day and came back late in the evening and didn't say anything to me at all about where they'd gone or anything. I'm going to cry. And its dumb.

I don't want to be old and alone and lonely. :(

anyhow...I need to try and figure this life shit out before I die. lol

Happy Birthday Malaika

Wednesday, February 26, 2014


I am going on an interview in a week. Hope I get an offer. It's a prestigious post. I'm past the point of thinking I'm not worthy. Well, not really....I renew my mind daily, telling myself that I am worthy.

People talk about forgiveness as if it is freeing. Currently, I find it to be hard work.

I still wake up with an unimaginable anger in my heart. In my minds eye, I envision myself searing people and great fields of wheat with intense flames at will. ala firestarter. I spend at least an hour talking myself into a more normal world view....I'm cynical. I work at just getting to the point where I'm focused on advancing my career. And then I'm no longer angry.

Forgiveness is something that I do everyday. I wake up and choose to let go over and over and over.

I think that I messed up when i spoke of the different things that went on with me inside the lab to my professor. I think I came across as a whiner and complainer. I should never speak up when bad things happen. It only makes things worse.